I had a very posh dinner last night with my family and 16 almost complete strangers, several of them were from New Zealand but most of them were American. It was fascinating, eating can be such a private affair even in a group - we all have our individual plates individual meal, but our American hosts insisted on sharing starters and deserts. After 3 hours talking eating and enjoying the fascinating difference that we all have - my son licking the bowl, and my daughter demonstrating her burping was great, we all went our separate ways but the enjoyment and sharing I think was fore taste of the kingdom.
After a souls searching week it was a perfect dose of reality/spirituality.
On the previous post a comment was left by Willie t (I think it may be my brother in disguise as a rapper);
"seems like the question is do you follow Gods heart, or do you follow your own Michael."
And that is the point exactly, in regards to the whole church ministry/pastoring type deal I do need to follow God closely, and I think and feel that it may be time for me to return to a different type of ministry - the work force.
Not that I don't think I am cut out for pastoring, but I think I need to re find something of my self- re develop and re discover a relationship with God that is about receiving his grace and not merely helping people.
I am a proud person who always wants to do the best, I talk a lot about God's grace and in all honesty have seen God's grace at work, not only in my own life but in others. But I don't think I have drank fully enough, fully experienced it for myself enough to carry out what I think God is calling me too.
At the weekend I was reading Don Millers book - Blue like Jazz, he talks about God's grace as being like food coupons - not something we have here in NZ or England, but I know about poverty. But what he was getting at was the shame that can come with using government hand outs especially in a nation where to overcome to become someone is a national rite. That spoke to me, in God's kingdom I need to survive on food coupons, in fact we all do, no matter how self made, how good at something we are. But for me I think I am too Irish - stubborn and proud to ask for others help, others prayer, others support - I need to drink deeper of God's grace, and not the thing that we often mistake for it - self loathing. In doing that we understand more what the world needs, what I need and realize our complete in ability to provide it, but there is one who is able - Jesus.